


When Thought Upon

by aceofneverland



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Character Study, Demisexual Finn, Finn & Rose kiss, Finn's my love and I will protect him with all my heart, Gray-Romantic Finn, M/M, Mentioned: - Freeform, Pansexual Poe, fight me Finn doesn't want anyone but poe, i guess?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-03
Updated: 2020-01-03
Packaged: 2021-02-27 09:15:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,482
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22104676
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aceofneverland/pseuds/aceofneverland
Summary: Finn reflects on the kiss Rose gave him and why it didn't feel right.  Or otherwise known as, Finn realizes he's in love.
Relationships: Finn & Rose Tico, Poe Dameron/Finn
Comments: 2
Kudos: 152





	When Thought Upon

**H** e'd made sure she got to medics, that she was going to be okay. Because he cared about her. He cared about a lot of people. He felt like he had mountains upon mountains of _care_ to give. Ever since he'd left the first order, he'd been so blown away by how much he could care, that anyone could care. But as she was carted away, Finn still was thinking about the kiss Rose had given him. 

It'd felt odd. Her pressing her lips against his. It was brief - barely a real kiss. And it wasn't how it was supposed to be, he thought. Finn wasn't naive. An ex-trooper, yes, but not naive. He _knew_ what relationships were, he _knew_ about kisses. Many troopers even engaged in the physical side of relationships. As long as it didn't become emotional, superiors didn't care. That had never been Finn's thing - sex without feelings. You might as well take care of it yourself at that point. But either way, Finn knew about relationships, and he knew kisses were supposed to be special. They were supposed to be like freefalling in a ship, a drop in your stomach that made you excited. Like riding the fathiers. Excitement, energizing.

But the kiss with Rose hadn't been. It'd been odd, out of place. It felt ... nothing like how kisses were supposed to feel. He'd been surprised by it, and that had been it. But he didn't know why. Rose was sweet and brave. He was inspired by her, the whole time they'd spent together. She was pretty as well, Finn knew as much. He _should_ have liked the kiss. But, he didn't.

He wanted to talk to someone about it, have someone explain to him why he didn't feel anything. He didn't know who to talk to. His first instinct was Rey, his best friend. But she was busy getting the Falcon away from the First Order and making plans with Leia. And she didn't seem like the person to talk to about kisses. He assumed she'd gotten about as much _action_ on Jakuu as he had in the first order. His second instinct was Poe, but something made him stop. He didn't want Poe to know that Rose had kissed him, if he hadn't seen it. He felt like he shouldn't tell Poe, shouldn't talk to him about it. He wasn't sure why, but it just felt wrong. There was General Organa, but she was the _general_ and in all honesty, she intimidated him still. He deeply respected her, and trusted her beyond a doubt (mainly because Poe trusted her), but he wasn't about to sit down and talk to her about kisses. There was Chewie and BB-8, but Finn didn't understand either of them that well.

Besides, the Resistance had to find a new base. That was first priority, not Finn's crisis about how he felt. Not that Finn felt like he had much to input. He could give them locations that would be unsafe due to First Order, but other than that he had no place in deciding where they went. He'd barely woken up to be a part of the Resistance. But there were a lot of people chattering, and with all the voices on the Falcon that was not built for that many people, he felt overwhelmed. He needed to think, needed to figure this out soon. He felt like it was big, which meant if he didn't figure it out, he would just be distracted. 

He ended up in the makeshift medical bay, sitting next to Rose. She was still sleeping, but the doctors said she'd make a recovery soon. That her recovery should be a lot faster than his own. He was glad. She shouldn't have gotten hurt in the first place. Even if all she had done just made him admire her more. 

"Why'd you kiss me? It doesn't make sense," he muttered. "Great. I'm talking to myself now."

He rested his elbow on his knee, and his chin on his hands. It hadn't meant anything, that was the thing. He cared about Rose, deeply, but he didn't _care_ for her. Not in that way. Not in the kissing, romantic way. When he looked at her, he got the same feeligns he got when he looked at Rey. _platonic_. friends. They were friends, and that's why it'd felt weird. It was like it'd feel weird kissing Rey. In truth, the thought of kissing Rey made Finn shudder. It just seemed wrong.

But if he didn't like Rose or Rey that way - would he ever like someone that way? He wanted to. He wanted to love someone. Not int he way he loved Rey, or he would love Rose once they'd gotten to know each other more. That was platonic, familial. He wanted to love like he'd heard in the stories. Like how he'd seen Han and Leia looking at each other. Was he even capable of that kind of love? He'd spent his entire life conditioned ot not have a heart. Maybe the First Order had broken him.

**No**. Even if he couldn't love romantically, he was not broken. He could love. He loved Rey, he loved BB, he loved Rose, General Organa, the Resistance. That was important, that was love. People could love without being romantic. He wanted to, though. Wasn't that important? He _wanted_ to love someone. He just didn't know if there would ever be anyone like that.

"Hey buddy. BB and I were wondering where you were."

Finn's thoughts were broken by Poe, who was poking his head in. BB was nowhere to be found, but Finn suspected they were bugging Rey. Poe's smile was tired, and Finn ached to think that Poe probably wouldn't get enough sleep until they got to their new base - if even then. He didn't like to see Poe so worn out.

"Just needed a breath. It's a lot of people we squeezed onto the Falcon." Finn offered a smile back, but he wasn't sure it was a bright smile either. "Found a new base yet?"

"We got a few options. It'd be nice to get your opinion." 

Finn laughed at that and shook his head. "Poe, I've barely been a part of the resistance. I shouldn't be involved in those kinds of decisions. It's not my place."

"Time doesn't matter. You're one of us, and you're smart. You have good opinions. I value them. Leia values them."

Finn smiled, and Poe seemed to understand. He appreciated it, really, but it wasn't Poe or General Organa he was worried about. Maybe he could talk to the General one on one, voice his opinion. _Force_ , that was still weird - voicing an opinion. 

"You care a lot about her," Poe said, nodding towards Rose. Finn shrugged.

"She's a good person. And I like her. Same as I like Rey and BB and ..." _oh. Oh!_ That made sense. Of course. How could he be so dumb? He cared about Rose the same way he cared about Rey, but not the same way he cared about Poe.

Poe, who'd been the first person to see him as another person, not a machine. Poe, who'd refused to call him by numbers and gave him a name. Poe, who he thought had died on Jakuu and it'd devastated him. Poe, who he always went back to. It was always Poe. It was like he gravitated around the man. He was always in the back of Finn's mind, always there. Like a constant, comforting presence. And it was only Poe. There was no one else Finn could imagine liking, no _loving_ that way. it wasn't like Rey or Rose, because it was _Poe_. Just Poe. And if he thought about kissing Poe - well it didn't sound wrong at all. It sounded incredibly right.

"She kissed you. I - a lot of us saw."

"it didn't mean anything. Not to me," Finn said. That's why he felt like he couldn't talk to Poe about the kiss. Because he wanted to kiss _Poe_. 

Poe was quiet after that. Finn could tell him, right then and there. He could blurt it out and tell Poe that he wanted to kiss him. But he didn't. He wanted to hold onto the feeling, just for a little bit. He wanted to enjoy _loving_ someone, romantically not platonically, for a bit alone. He'd tell Poe, he would. But right now didn't feel right. Now they needed to find a new base, and they needed to regroup. They needed to get the Resistance back. Finn could wait on love confessions.

"Why don't you tell me about those bases we're looking at?" Finn stood, and he smiled at Poe. A wide, genuine smile.

Poe smiled back, and it was radiant and kind. Finn figured there were worse people to be in love with than Poe Dameron.

**Author's Note:**

> hope you all like it! It was just a little drabble I wanted to write about Finn. I wanted to write when he realized he was in love, and this is what clicked for me.  
> I also realized while writing this that I see Finn as demisexual, gray romantic. It's just Poe for him, romantically and sexually. The actual specific terms are flexible, but in my mind Finn falls on both the aromantic and asexual spectrum in a way that it's just Poe.


End file.
